Effective listening

John Groom

MOST of my coaching time is spent tripping over myself. I can hardly wait to explore the coachee’s issues before I am rushing in to get them ready to set goals, or to analyse their lifestyle imbalance, do a cognitive checklist or evaluate their own self-care strategies. I am learning to slowdown.

One of the things that has slowed me down is to ask at the beginning of the second session: ‘What did you get from our first session together?’

This is a humbling experience. Those wonderful gems and precious insights that I thought I was sharing are so rarely mentioned. On the other hand a session that I thought was simply me listening and writing down a thorough summary has so often helped the person to hear themselves more deeply and to identify their own themes.

It has been well over two decades since Egan wrote that wonderful book The Skilled Helper. He argued cogently that effective helping requires a mix of empathy and action. I sometimes wonder if coaching is a response to this perceived imbalance. None of us wants to be entirely and purely understanding: it is too tiring. To be totally surrounded by tea and sympathy sounds lovely but we all strive for a challenge. Coaching psychology is, and should be, ultimately present and future orientated and measured by its results. The main criticism that I hear of coaches, coaching psychologists and coaching programmes, however, is that they are too task oriented and superficial. In other word we have not listened effectively enough before moving into the action stage.

I am arguing here for a fuller, deeper kind of listening. My own Australian mentor of many years’ experience summarised for me just before his retirement his own changes. Nowadays I follow more and lead less.

The emphasis on change can blind us to the obvious needs. Maybe the coachee just wants to be listened to and is not yet ready to change. Maybe in their hectic life this is the only place for them to be and to be held. Maybe they lack a sense of sanctuary, are lonely or feel that there is no one there for them.

It is possible to sense all of these needs and to respond to them without going back into counselling.

To go all the way back to Egan again, he suggested that we listen for a person’s leverage point. This is a key motivator, theme or concern that is brought into the sessions. When I ask what people got from our first session I am really fishing for this leverage point. I might think that what I am hearing is a serious lifestyle imbalance, for example. The coachee’s only concern, however, is losing their spouse, as they are so grumpy when they get home. I might be hearing from someone who is driven and in my mind needs to chill out. This leverage point, however, is how to enjoy their work more. I sometimes think that effective coaching psychology is like one of the gentler form of the martial arts. We never stand against or push the other person. If they rush at things we simply point out where they might fall over. In the end it is about them standing firmly in the world.

This type of coaching can benefit from the addiction literature on motivational interviewing.

Effective coaching does need to draw on known bodies of research and proven skills. I am simply making a plea that our focus on skills and knowledge does not stop us from recognising the other person’s deepest needs. Before I shifted over to coaching I used to do a lot of work with men having sexual performance problems. In one way it was very satisfying and important work. It is an area where there has been plenty of research and hence a client can easily be slotted into a programme. It was the programme that became my downfall in that it became a mechanistic exercise lacking spontaneity and relationship. These qualities - spontaneity and relationship - were of course probably the same things that the clients had missing in their lives!

It is important in coaching that we bring ourselves fully into the relationship; that we are free to be natural and creative including a child-like ignorance. Eric Berne onceexclaimed that we are on earth to explore the three big questions: Who am I? What am I doing here? Who the heck are these other people? Coaching psychology is a great way to explore these issues. As a coach when I move away from a coaching formula and walk alongside the other person I gain a sense of wonder. Rather than being overwhelmed by their struggles, I admire their resilience. Rather than attempting to pigeon-hole them, I become genuinely curious about what their next step will be.

Being fully present to a coachee is no easy task. It requires a high degree of self- awareness, lifestyle balance, self-care and effective supervision. The rewards are great.

The two bits of feedback that I treasure the most as a coach are: You are like a hiking guide and I didn’t drive all this way to be in a room by myself.

Contact
www.johngroom.co.nz